Calming Down from Chaos
healing: julia fox's down the drain + paris hilton's show
when you’re accustomed to chaos and finally arrive at stillness it is a difficult adjustment. part of my gut instinct tells me to seek out chaos to fill the quiet. my past is filled with chaos, sometimes self-created, but always related to the guys i surround myself with. lately my days allow for regular reflection and stillness, yet i’m learning i’m predisposed to needing guy-related drama at all times. i’m trying to accept, confront, and correct the person i can turn into in the arms of (historically wackass) guys.
so appropriately and entirely by coincidence, i’m ending my year with books and shows by women who have publicly discussed their issues and traumas with family and men (i’m starting britney’s memoir soon). while a lot of their traumas are beyond anything i could imagine living through, there are still relatable moments along the way because women have all suffered trauma in some ways.
read on for my take on julia fox’s book down the drain and season 2 of paris hilton’s reality show paris in love. can someone else please watch it and let me know your take!?
down the drain by julia fox
i love and connect with her because she’s misunderstood.
her tone is so detached when the most horrifying things are happening around her. at the same time, these can be how our traumatic memories replay in our heads - very matter of fact, told from a distance. other times i cringe cuz it sounds like something i’d have written on my live journal. overall, though, she has indeed been through it. so, sure, why not give her a memoir before we forget who she is?
it’s exactly what you’d expect to read in the diary of someone you saw on the subway train who looked cool, and edgy, and like she’s out all the time, which is her, right? it lived up to what i expected and wanted out of it. there are some truly fun parties, party people, dickhead dudes, and downtown dives that brought me back to some of my own unhinged evenings. a lot of the book is a huge bummer because her parents are barely parents and they beat her, she has trouble forming bonds with people and is more or less left to grow herself up on her own, and of course, has abusive relationships with men. upsettingly, i most related to her when she’s in a weak moment of devaluing herself, and forgiving some piece of shit because she’s insecure. been there, ugh.
paris in love, season 2, streaming on peacock
i love and connect with her because she’s babied by her mom and is coming to terms with childhood traumas only now in her 40s.
it’s clear that kathy and nicky believe that paris’ husband, carter (extremely unlikeable, odd, cringey), holds way too much control. the most obvious example being paris and carter’s decision to surprise everyone with their first-born’s existence. their baby was announced and introduced to kathy hilton and the rest of the fam at 1 week-old. throughout the season, i noticed carter reminding paris to post something, or filming her for her stories. maybe he is directing her life a little toooo much. in his solo interviews he sounds like he’s masterminding something. he’s evil, mark my words.
unexpectedly, it appears as if paris and kathy are actually making progress in therapy sessions. but why would they be that revealing suddenly? kathy was severely guarded in season 1 and constantly exhibits avoidant behavioral/emotional patterns. why do i want to believe the progress is real? and what is really goin awn here?!
at one point, kathy gets paris to name drop the ghostwriter of her memoir and proceeds to rail on her saying paris didn’t say a certain line that describes “being a hilton” in a negative light. i believe this scene was overseen by kathy. it felt like she went to NBC and told them to put this scene in for the sake of the family name. in that moment, (and others, when kathy is mad at her) paris becomes 11 years-old and looks like a child version of herself, her eyes full of trauma. yet kathy and paris both love to remind us how much they love their own mothers (kathy’s is known to have a dark streak, too). generational wounds, baby.