Moments I Appreciate as I Turn 40

i have space to mull things over. here comes a list.

This whole month I’ve been thoughtful, entirely inside my mind, reflecting on life so far, and feeling immensely grateful for the friends, family, and people/places who have influenced me. I turn 40 tomorrow which is probably what has amplified my headspace of “life thus far” reflection. So lately, when I develop a small obsession, I tend to take my time digesting it. Maybe I’ll try to pinpoint exactly what it is that hits me about it at this exact moment of my lifetime. Rather than limit the below list to a single medium, here are some things and moments that resonate with me or are significantly meaningful right now - XOXO, a former 30-something.

"Frankfurter Sandwiches" episode of Reservation Dogs

A few of the elder men take Cheese away from his VR headset, Zombie gaming for a day of camping. This episode was nearly spiritual. Here’s a few absolutely stunning quotes/exchanges.

1. Brownie: “You gotta change that colonized mindset, nephew. You know, it’s not about the fish. You gotta turn that internal pressure gauge off. Got your mind goin’ so fast. Look at that dirt on the ground. Go ahead, touch it. Pick it up, take a good look at it. Smell it.”

2. On Friendships:

   Bucky: “Well, you know, we’re all connected on a molecular level, so even if you’re not seein’ [your friends], the quantum thread cannot be disentangled.”

   Cheese: “What?”

   Bucky: “Let me put it this way. The soul contract cannot be, umm, untethered.”

   Cheese: “What?”

   Bucky: “These are bonds you don’t wanna break!”

3. Bucky: “We’re just men, you know. We don’t know everything. We make mistakes. We don’t know shit!” Big and Brownie start to wail into their handkerchiefs and then Bucky does, too.

coffee mornings

It’s become the routine to get coffee with my bro twice a week. Mostly we talk about his band practices, music, whatever. Today, we were talking about the recent story calling Korea being the biggest “baby exporter.” And how we are those “exported” babies. We can both benefit from talking about adoption together, but we never have before. He agreed with me that being adopted is something that’s more top of mind in the age we’re at now than in previous years. In some ways, it’s possible my living in a city, versus his living in our hometown, doesn’t make our experiences that much different.

keepin’ it real

I used to use that phrase as a front, y’know? Putting on a tougher face. Keepin’ it real for the skreets. Now, I mean “keepin’ it real” as in letting in vulnerability. Being so real the guard is down. The emotional availability is there. Openness. We don’t have time to fuck around and find out. It’s one or the other! Skip to the find out stage. Feel in your feelings, homie. Finding out unearths more you. Explore how a movie made you feel, take time to replay a lived experience from your day, and consider how it made you feel (not the expectations of how you should feel).

20th Century Women

To be honest, I wasn’t quite prepared for this movie. There are many heart-wrenching lines, as a widowed mother, a cool college-aged art school woman, and a fellow teenage girl friend, try to raise her son in late-70’s, Santa Barbara. “Don’t you need a man to raise a man?” the teenage friend asks. The mother answers, “No, I don’t think so.” Killer soundtrack, and they’re all cast fantastically. Written and directed by Mike Mills (artist, music video director for Air and others, former graphic designer for Kim Gordon’s X-Girl clothing line, director of Thumbsucker and Beginners).

On a related note, what is dating as we age? It seems, to a degree, accurately portrayed by the Annette Bening and Billy Crudup dynamic. Almost a thing, but not at all, close to each other but not intimate together. Sounds pretty ideal!

yearbook messages

I found my high school yearbook and re-read some of the handwritten messages. A lot of them mention “the zine” or call it by name, “Clunk!” It’s positive things, they said they “love” it, or encouraged me to keep making it, or said “thanks” for giving them one. It’s cool to rediscover these messages this week, because I’m releasing the latest issue of my zine, HECK, at my 40th birthday party tomorrow! Guess it’s true, the more things change, the more things stay the same. Another notable thing I think is impressive at this age, I get to give my new zine to people I know from high school.

friends from the way back

Okay, this topic probably deserves its own post (now that I’m mentioning them again), but it gives me LIFE to reconnect with people I knew in high school (knew, but didn’t know so well we ever hung out socially). I must’ve been in the city too long, because I’m nearly astounded that I feel so accepted by them. I’m obsessed with this because of 1.) The unexpected shorthand that exists among us, simply for having grown up in the same town and having the same classes. 2. ) The type of trust that’s built into that, and 3.) A history that can’t be faked. At the same time, I’m aware that time is felt differently for them. Maybe they feel closer to their high school identities than I do. The familiar family names, stories, and gossip have never left their lives. Still, age and experience changed even the ones who never left. It’s a breath of fresh air to feel like my entire self around them. Even though I’ll remain an outsider from their inner circle, it’s excellent to know I can drop in when I need to.

Depending on how my birthday goes, my next post may be a recap, carrying on with the themes outlined in the part above. See you next week, older and wiser!