Last week, in a now deleted post, I wrote about moving out of the apartment I’ve lived in for five years and how emotional it is to leave the neighborhood. After I got denied on an apartment (which was starting to feel like the wrong choice for me), my plans quickly evolved from “I’ll store everything for June, and go to my mom’s in Massachusetts,” to “I’m moving to Massachusetts. Goodbye forever, New York City!”
When I was searching for apartments, nothing felt like it was for me. I want to get away from living with anyone but myself. I’m over living in a “pre-war” (old as fuck) building with cockroaches and the occasional mouse as predetermined parts of the lease. The nice, new buildings cost a disgusting amount of money ($3,000/month) which I don’t have and which I don’t want to pay. Finally recognizing and accepting that I do not need to struggle any longer is by far the most mature realization I’ve had in my life.
Anyone who lives in NYC grows used to struggling. Struggling to make rent each month, to eat between paychecks, to find a job, to find a roommate, to make it to work when your train’s down. It’s built into the way of life. I’ve outgrown this need, and I feel empowered and enlightened to accept that this struggle is no longer mine. Struggle, especially in regards to living circumstances, is a young person’s game.
Trauma can stunt a person, and I’ve survived storms of childhood and young adulthood trauma, which is to say, my traumas rolled into each other as one large snowball for a couple decades. I’ve changed enough in the past few years (2020 was a healing year for my personal growth) to be able to view all 12 years of my life in this city as trauma recovery. While it all felt fun at the time, I can now admit a lot of my behavior was because I felt knocked down by life and needed to keep myself down. I didn’t know how else to handle it, besides drinking and partying through it. I don’t blame myself for that either. There are even some still special memories that float in my mind, and a handful of friendships that were formed and are still maintained, during my time here.
On the precipice of forty, I feel myself finally having an emotional growth spurt. I’m determined to show everyone I’ve grown up and got my act together. When I’m on I’m a light everyone is attracted to. It sounds like I’m full of myself, but it’s just true. I carry energy forth that people want to be around. I refuse to dim my light from myself or others from now on.
I see this coming year as a layover year. I get to take advantage of working for a fully remote, independent music, tech company. I get to save more money than ever with rent prices a good $1K less than NYC prices and, one of my biggest dreams ever: I get to shop at Market Basket, a North Shore grocery store favorite, whose tagline is “More for your dollar!” and they ain’t lyin’ either.
I don’t have much of a social life here, but I’ll miss my neighborhood friends more than I’m letting on. I’ll miss accessibility to everything since I don’t drive (I’m licensed but need lessons at this point). Most of all, I’ll miss the array of ethnic foods I can get. I’m going to a land that has never heard of seasoning (although they do have the best priced lobster and the correct types of clams). Aside from some last stops at a few Polish neighborhood faves, I’m avoiding Chinatown out of fear that tasting a dumpling will only fill me with deep regret.
This is how I move on: quickly, with no time for misgivings. Perhaps it’s a lesson I learned from trauma. Get to where you need to go. The grief can follow once it’s all set in stone.
as a sweet little addendum to this post:
I just visited my local dispensary and the guy who runs it, I've always had friendly convos with. He's a gen x, born and bred Manhattanite. He said he's envious that I have somewhere to go that's not the city (his whole family all lives in the boroughs). He also said, "New York is for people to move to, people from, like, awful, rust belt towns, and say, 'I'm moving to New York and I get to try on this new identity and be this person now.'" I wholeheartedly agree. This city is great for that! But, it's not for me at this point in my life anymore. I'm trying to prove myself to myself, not impress any type of invented persona/identity upon others. He gave me two free things, as a parting gift and said, "You'll come back to visit every few months, until eventually you'll stop coming back to visit at all! You won't need it!"
Good luck on the move. Maybe you will lead an Asian food revolution in Massachusetts.